I’ve been in hibernation mode. Perhaps recovering from battle wounds and battle weariness. Sometimes this journey just requires that I put down the battle gear and climb into a nice, soft, warm bed and rest awhile. I am a warrior. But sometimes, I think I don’t get when the battle is over. And I keep at it until I’m worn down. I need to recognize battles won and celebrate them. And I need to recognize battles lost and go home to cry and nurse my wounds. And once I am rested, I an start strategizing how to win the next battle.
MT, my therapist, tells me that this journey is often two steps forward, one step back, 3 steps forward, 4 steps back. And that even when I slide backwards, recovering the ground I’ve lost will be easier because I’ve already created the path. Over the last several weeks, I took many steps backwards. In fact, I think I may have fallen off a cliff. I was back to being ugly and thinking that the abuse was my fault and that I am weak and that there was no hope. I wish I could pinpoint what happened to trigger this, but I cant. I do think MT was correct in telling me it would be easier to get back on path because here I am, back on the path. I know, when I first started seeing MT, it took me months to get to where I am now. This time, it was a matter of weeks.
I slept lots for a few weeks. I didn’t really have any feelings for weeks. No anger. No joy. No grief. Just nothing. Emptiness. Maybe hopelessness.
But, I’m back. Back to writing. Back to feeling. Back to the war. My latest battle is figuring out how to really deal with the flashbacks and nightmares. They are prevalent these says. MT induced one of my worst flashbacks in me at therapy yesterday. When I flash back to this particular memory, I struggle to breathe and cough and choke a lot. That’s what happened in therapy yesterday. Then MT coached me through that flashback and I got out of it more quickly than I ever did before. I should have been angry at MT for deliberately inducing that flashback, but I felt empowered instead. If I could get through that flashback that quickly, I can talk myself through others. It is hard and I am going to have to practice, practice, practice. But I’m pretty sure I can do it.
My other battle right now is dealing with my family of origin, thus the quote at the beginning of this post. I don’t fit in that family. I’m not mean and horrid. I don’t hurt people to make myself felt better. I was born to create a new family…for me and for my adopted children, who also have a horrible family of origin. I have created a new family with my wife, my children, and my friends. I’m trying to convince myself and that little girl within me that I don’t need that family of origin, but it’s hard to let go when there wasn’t much to hang onto in the first place.
So my warrior gear is on. I have a sword and machete in my hands.