So while MT was on vacation, I did really well. I found all of these quotes and was feeling very positive about myself and my healing. MT and I often talk about the necessity of laughter and play in my life to assist with my healing. I think that these two things are so important and I find it amazing that no matter how bad things are during my therapy session or my week, I can find things to laugh at with MT, my wife, my children, and my friends.
Then I found the quote below about having to fight battles more than once. This quote made me angry because who wants to fight any battle more than once? But then, it also comforted me. I feel ridiculous about having to go back to the same memory again and again to try to deal with it. But sometimes it takes looking at it from all sorts of angles before I can put it to rest. Just recently, I was dealing with the pictures of a memory. Then (sorry if this is too much information), the tastes and smells from that memory came. Oh gross and disgusting, but having MT to sit there with me while I’m filled with disgust and revulsion at least makes me feel not so alone. And I guess this is part of the battle that my inner child and my body needs to fight.
I found this quote and I loved it right away. MT often talks about how I have to learn to love myself and take care of the child I was the way I wish my parents would have taken care of me. It’s really hard to do, but I need to do it. In the past, I often thought the my therapists were supposed to take care of me and give me strength. But, I’ve learned this is not true. MT encourages me, but she will not take care of me. Thit s is my journey, and she is my guide. She often leaves it to me to figure out where we are going next, but she will warn me if I’m about to go over a cliff. She helps me to find the strength within me for this journey, but she will not hold me up. Holding myself up and taking care of me is my job, even when it comes to needing to be covered with a blanket during a session. She will point out the blanket but it is up to me to take it and cover myself up with it.
So, I did really well until 7 days before my next session with MT. Then the flashbacks and nightmares reared their ugly heads. Most of this stuff surrounded a part of my abuse that MT and I had only discussed for about three minutes at one point before I said no more. It’s really a taboo area of abuse. There is very little information about it out there. And lots of people think it cannot happen. So, I was getting pictures of this abuse, and it was very disturbing to me. Not something in the realm of “normal” sexual abuse. (And I understand that there really is nothing normal about any kind of child abuse and sexual abuse, but there are scenarios that these days would not make a person blink an eye). The night before I was to see MT for the first time in 20 days, I got drunk. I don’t think I’ve ever been truly drunk before, and I did not consciously set out to get drunk. I sat down in the kitchen to do my night time meditation and there was a bottle of blackberry brandy on the counter. I got out a small glass, poured myself some, and it was so smooth and warm and comforting. So I poured some more. I was sipping it slowly, listening to music, and thinking. Thinking about what I needed to talk about with MT the next day. Then I poured myself some more, and then some more. At which point, I realized that I was not thinking clearly anymore. I decided to forego the meditation, and got up to go to bed. I found out at that point that there was no way I was going up the stairs, so I went to the bathroom and flopped on the couch. I think I fell asleep immediately, and I was awoken seven hours later. I went to stand up, realized that my jeans were wet, and found out that I had wet my pants (Ugh) in the soundest sleep I’ve had in years. Oh, and I awoke with a horrible hangover. So I went to therapy where MT was highly amused that my mouth was so dry that I could barely sip out of the straw of my water bottle. We talked about why I might have managed to get myself drunk. Lots of reasons…it tasted good, some rebellion thrown in, being scared of seeing MT again (as the last time she came back from a break, I managed to pick a fight with her), and being scared of discussing the memory that needed to be dealt with. And then we talked about the memory. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I hate it. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me question lots of stuff about me. I learned how to say FUCK during this session. I’ve never used that word before. MT really likes that word. I was talking and I gott mad at MT because she says that EMDR will help my flashbacks stop but she also says I am not ready for EMDR. So, I said, Well, then, what the fffffffffff…….. MT was like, well go ahead and finish what you were going to say. She told me that it’s just a word. So I finished the sentence, what the fuck is going to make these flashbacks go away. And then I said fuck 6 more times. She counted. So, after the next two sessions, that memory seemed to clear up. It dissipated along with the dreams and the nightmares. And then, it came back with a vengeance …..with tastes and smells. And during my session two days ago, we sat with those things. We also sat with a good supply of kleenex and lemon drops and a plastic lined trash can. Ugh. I think MT is awesome and patient and amazing and tolerant and very accepting of any thing that happens to me in working with these memories. I’m kind of nervous that while I feel grossed out while I think of this memory, there are still no real emotions involved. I think these emotions are going to be big, and I think that is why this memory is coming in steps.
PS. for anybody worried about the drinking, I have not had any alcohol since that day and I don’t intend to any time in the near future. I’ve never been drunk before and normally probably only have one drink a week. But this scared me. Both of my parents are alcoholics. My wife poured the rest of the blackberry brandy down the drain because it scared her also. So no more drinking for me at this point.