So far, in my time without MT (my therapist), there have definitely been ups and downs. Meditation on Sunday night was a definite up. We meditated on melting stress away. I loved this meditation. I could actually see the stress dripping off my body and being cleared away. I left feeling so relaxed. I went home, climbed into bed, and slept for 9 hours. I almost never sleep for that many hours all together or even that many hours in a day at all. The other great thing about that 9 hours of sleep was the lack of nightmares. A night without nightmares for me is a true rarity (although, it seems to be happening a little more often right now). Something that J talked about during meditation was that a person can have big things happening in her life and not be stressed at all. Or a person can have big things happening in her life, start making judgments about them, and that’s where the stress comes from. The stress comes from the judgment that I make about how I will or will not handle an event in my life. So, with MT being away, I could take that in a very matter of fact manner and think, well, MT is away for many days and some days will be okay and some days will be hard. Okay. Or I can say, OMG! I have 20 days between sessions with MT. I am afraid that I won’t be able to deal with that. What will I do if I have lots of flashbacks or body memories? Who will I call? What will I do? Oh, my goodness, this is terrible. Well, the second way causes me stress. There is lots of judgment about myself there. I think I should be able to handle MT being away, but I won’t be able to. I don’t know what I will do if I am not okay. Well, if I can keep myself from judging the idea that I will have some hard days and some okay days, there is no stress or at least much less stress. I am not putting myself in the frame of mind that I cannot handle it. I am also not making myself believe that there are no positives there. Much less stress.
So, there have been some down’s about MT being away also. Last night, I was very tired when I went to bed. I could barely keep my eyes open. But as soon as my head hit the pillow, my eyes were wide open and I could not lay still. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I was really scared. Just the idea of a panic attack freaks me out. I started thinking about taking Xanax right away. I had to get up to go to the bathroom. I went back to bed. My wife’s snoring was making me anxious. I put on my headphones and listened to calming music. That annoyed me even more. I started judging myself. I asked myself why I could not just go to bed like a normal person. I was mad that I was tired and couldn’t go to sleep. I got stressed about how tired I would be today if I didn’t go to sleep soon. Then, I remembered. I gave myself permission to be anxious. I have always been anxious at night (with good reason). I tried to figure out where that anxiety was coming from. I comforted that child that I once was, reminding her that I would take care of her. And I realized, that today would be Tuesday. My first missed session with MT. No wonder I was anxious. I worked hard on not judging myself for being too attached to her. I reminded myself that I know how to take care of me. And no Xanax and a few minutes later, I was sleeping. Yes, I had nightmares. But not the kind that wake me up with me already out of bed. Yes, today I cried because I really do miss MT and I really do hate when my routine is changed and I really do crave consistency. So, I guess, that was a down and an up.