Ups and Downs

So far, in my time without MT (my therapist), there have definitely been ups and downs.  Meditation on Sunday night was a definite up.  We meditated on melting stress away.  I loved this meditation.  I could actually see the stress dripping off my body and being cleared away.  I left feeling so relaxed.  I went home, climbed into bed, and slept for 9 hours.  I almost never sleep for that many hours all together or even that many hours in a day at all.  The other great thing about that 9 hours of sleep was the lack of nightmares.  A night without nightmares for me is a true rarity (although, it seems to be happening a little more often right now).  Something that J talked about during meditation was that a person can have big things happening in her life and not be stressed at all.  Or a person can have big things happening in her life, start making judgments about them, and that’s where the stress comes from.  The stress comes from the judgment that I make about how I will or will not handle an event in my life.  So, with MT being away, I could take that in a very matter of fact manner and think, well, MT is away for many days and some days will be okay and some days will be hard.  Okay.  Or I can say, OMG!  I have 20 days between sessions with MT.  I am afraid that I won’t be able to deal with that.  What will I do if I have lots of flashbacks or body memories?  Who will I call?  What will I do?  Oh, my goodness, this is terrible.  Well, the second way causes me stress.  There is lots of judgment about myself there.  I think I should be able to handle MT being away, but I won’t be able to.  I don’t know what I will do if I am not okay.  Well, if I can keep myself from judging the idea that I will have some hard days and some okay days, there is no stress or at least much less stress.  I am not putting myself in the frame of mind that I cannot handle it.  I am also not making myself believe that there are no positives there.  Much less stress.

So, there have been some down’s about MT being away also.  Last night, I was very tired when I went to bed.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  But as soon as my head hit the pillow, my eyes were wide open and I could not lay still.  I was on the verge of a panic attack.  I was really scared.  Just the idea of a panic attack freaks me out.  I started thinking about taking Xanax right away.  I had to get up to go to the bathroom.  I went back to bed.  My wife’s snoring was making me anxious.  I put on my headphones and listened to calming music.  That annoyed me even more.  I started judging myself.  I asked myself why I could not just go to bed like a normal person.  I was mad that I was tired and couldn’t go to sleep.  I got stressed about how tired I would be today if I didn’t go to sleep soon.  Then, I remembered.  I gave myself permission to be anxious.  I have always been anxious at night (with good reason).  I tried to figure out where that anxiety was coming from.  I comforted that child that I once was, reminding her that I would take care of her.  And I realized, that today would be Tuesday.  My first missed session with MT.  No wonder I was anxious.  I worked hard on not judging myself for being too attached to her.  I reminded myself that I know how to take care of me.  And no Xanax and a few minutes later, I was sleeping.  Yes, I had nightmares.  But not the kind that wake me up with me already out of bed.  Yes, today I cried because I really do miss MT and I really do hate when my routine is changed and I really do crave consistency.  So, I guess, that was a down and an up.

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