My Therapist is On Vacation

MT, my therapist, is on vacation and I have a 20 day break from therapy due to this vacation.  I have tremendous trepidation and a fascinating sense of freedom surrounding this 20 day break.  My trepidation all surrounds what if’s.  What if the flashbacks get really bad?  What if I don’t sleep for 20 nights?  What if I need MT?  What if she doesn’t come back?  What if a new memory pops up? What if?  What if?  What if?  I know that having all of these what if’s is not living in the moment and I know that I am not being mindful with looking towards the future.  But the what if’s also come from the past.  My mother left for a year and came back not the mother I needed.  My last therapist went on vacation constantly (not a good thing for me), and always came back seemingly more and more resentful of her work.  One of my friends went away for a few months to take care of his sick grandmother and never came back.  One of my friends moved to a third world country to care for orphans, and while she was there, was shot and killed.  She never came back.  Lots of people leave and never come back. I have a tendency to figure that people will find it better where they go and will just decide to stay.  I understand the likelihood of that happening is not likely at all, but…..

I also have this great sense of freedom.  During this 20 days, it turns out that I have 5 weekdays with nothing that I have to do and so, to me, the possibilities are endless.  Originally, I was planning on filling this time with other healing activities such as floating at the float tank, and acupuncture, and massage.  But, the idea of binge-watching some shows and reading some books and napping and listening to music has me enthralled.  I have cancelled those appointments (well, except the massage…I am really longing for G’s hands on my neck and shoulders).  I am going to have my tragus pierced this week because I am absolutely in love with the piercing in the picture.

I am hoping that I can hold on to this sense of freedom and make the most out of it.  It’s only been a couple of days since I saw MT, so I am really not sure which way this is going to go.  I am feeling way more positive than I was the last time I saw MT.  I informed her that her leaving for vacation was not good for me and that no matter what she said, it would not be good for me; although, in the two sessions before that I was very positive about her vacation and my ability to be okay.  In the end, it turns out that I am very scared of how I will react to the length of time that MT is gone.  Will I need her and feel like she just abandoned me?  Will I be fine and then be angry when she comes back?  Will I miss her like crazy and then be angry when she comes back?  Will I miss her like crazy and then be ecstatic to find her back in her office on March 18?  I really don’t know.  Like most of us, I dislike the unknown.  I don’t like not being sure of my reaction and I don’t like not being sure of MT’s reaction to my reaction.  But, MT did reassure me that, no matter what, we will work through it and things will be okay.

Flower Tragus Hoop Earring 14K Solid Rose Gold Handcrafted on Etsy, $37.95

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One thought on “My Therapist is On Vacation

  1. My therapist went on a 5 week medical leave and I have seen her twice a week for 10 years. I liked the freedom I found at first. I could write and write. I have a very disciplined and routines lifestyle so that would help me to manage the large amounts of time I have available. I did well the first few weeks but then it started getting old and my anxiety and hypervigilance got higher. I had some sleepless nights but made it through the 5 weeks. It is nice to know that I could do it again if I needed to. Hope things went well when your MT returned.

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