MT, my therapist, is on vacation and I have a 20 day break from therapy due to this vacation. I have tremendous trepidation and a fascinating sense of freedom surrounding this 20 day break. My trepidation all surrounds what if’s. What if the flashbacks get really bad? What if I don’t sleep for 20 nights? What if I need MT? What if she doesn’t come back? What if a new memory pops up? What if? What if? What if? I know that having all of these what if’s is not living in the moment and I know that I am not being mindful with looking towards the future. But the what if’s also come from the past. My mother left for a year and came back not the mother I needed. My last therapist went on vacation constantly (not a good thing for me), and always came back seemingly more and more resentful of her work. One of my friends went away for a few months to take care of his sick grandmother and never came back. One of my friends moved to a third world country to care for orphans, and while she was there, was shot and killed. She never came back. Lots of people leave and never come back. I have a tendency to figure that people will find it better where they go and will just decide to stay. I understand the likelihood of that happening is not likely at all, but…..
I also have this great sense of freedom. During this 20 days, it turns out that I have 5 weekdays with nothing that I have to do and so, to me, the possibilities are endless. Originally, I was planning on filling this time with other healing activities such as floating at the float tank, and acupuncture, and massage. But, the idea of binge-watching some shows and reading some books and napping and listening to music has me enthralled. I have cancelled those appointments (well, except the massage…I am really longing for G’s hands on my neck and shoulders). I am going to have my tragus pierced this week because I am absolutely in love with the piercing in the picture.
I am hoping that I can hold on to this sense of freedom and make the most out of it. It’s only been a couple of days since I saw MT, so I am really not sure which way this is going to go. I am feeling way more positive than I was the last time I saw MT. I informed her that her leaving for vacation was not good for me and that no matter what she said, it would not be good for me; although, in the two sessions before that I was very positive about her vacation and my ability to be okay. In the end, it turns out that I am very scared of how I will react to the length of time that MT is gone. Will I need her and feel like she just abandoned me? Will I be fine and then be angry when she comes back? Will I miss her like crazy and then be angry when she comes back? Will I miss her like crazy and then be ecstatic to find her back in her office on March 18? I really don’t know. Like most of us, I dislike the unknown. I don’t like not being sure of my reaction and I don’t like not being sure of MT’s reaction to my reaction. But, MT did reassure me that, no matter what, we will work through it and things will be okay.