What’s Up With Me?

Mystical stairs

I’m not really sure what’s up with me.  I feel like I’ve been climbing a never ending stair case and I am just exhausted right now.  I keep trying to do work on my therapy stuff.  I’ve never before the last few weeks not completed a therapy project, but in the last few weeks, MT has assigned three projects that no matter now many times I’ve sat down to work on them, I cannot do.  I’ve been going to therapy and just sitting/laying on the couch and chatting with MT about really mundane things.  MT says that I’m at a plateau.  Right before I became so fatigued, I talked about two things that I had never spoken about before.  I think that I should talk about them more, but I cannot bring myself to do that.  Just thinking about them right now is making me feel nauseous.  If I don’t try to think about that stuff, I am pretty much okay, except for being very tired.  I really think that MT should do EMDR with me around these two things, and I have brought it up at each session lately.  However, MT says no EMDR until I’m really ready to start working again.  She does not mind that I am not really working right now,  She says that anything we talk about is working in some form.  She says she won’t tell me to stop coming to therapy even though I’m not really doing anything.  But to do EMDR, I have to show her that I really am ready for hard work again by actually doing some of the hard work and initiating the conversation about the difficult things.

I actually have another post that I’ve been working on for about 10 days, but I just cannot get it done.  It’s the material that I want to include in that post that has really gotten me to the point I am now.   So,  I’m going to tell you about one of those things.  It was a dream I had.  I almost never have a night without nightmares and I almost never remember a dream that was not a nightmare.  I’ve had several nights lately with no nightmares.  And one night, I had just a plain old dream that I remembered.  I think the dream was pretty significant.  I dreamt that I was out with my youngest son, who is adopted and who has a very violent biological father.  I am always afraid of this father getting hold of his biological children and kidnapping them and hurting them.  In my dream, my youngest son disappeared, and I could not find him.  Eventually, my wife and I were sitting on a park bench wondering where he could have gone to, and he turned up, but he was now a little girl.  My wife and I were not surprised by this, but the little girl was dressed in different clothes than when I had last seen her and we realized this meant that her biological father had found her and hurt her.  We got in the car to take her to the doctor and as we were driving, I was asking her what happened and as she told a story right from my life, I kept crying and telling her how sorry I was.  When I related this dream to MT, she said that it is like I finally see the separation between the child I was and the adult that I now am and that I now know that I can take care of that child part of me.  And then, after that dream, I got tired and stopped doing any work.  I’m sure I will get back to it.   I think that my body and mind and heart and brain are just processing everything.  It’s like having an infection, and the visible part clears up, but you’re still tired and healing.  I think that is what is happening here.

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