I am not thinking very clearly in the past several days. Last Thursday and then again yesterday, in therapy, I disclosed information and things that happened, that I have never said out loud before. MT has been awesome…non-judgmental, caring, supportive….all the things a good therapist should be. She thinks I should feel a hundred pounds lighter after putting these things out in the open. I don’t feel any lighter. I feel anxious…like rocking in chairs that are not rocking chairs, shaking, gasping for breath anxious. I feel anxious as in I’m so anxious that even going to sleep does not help. I woke up twice last night to take Xanax. I don’t think I’ve ever taken two in 24 hours before. I feel kind of crazy that I am so anxious. MT knowing this stuff is not changing anything and nobody knows that MT knows, so what is up with me?
I’ve been using all of my good distraction tools, but I just keep finding myself rocking in my seat and unable to truly pay attention to the distractions that always work for me. I know I needed to say these things out loud, but honestly, I kind of wish I had not. Maybe those things should have just stayed buried secrets for the rest of my life.
I watched a Webinar on dealing with anxiety tonight. It was by this awesome lady, Jodi. You can find her at jodiaman.com. She is awesome. What I came away with from the Webinar is that I really need to practice the fine art of distraction and keep reminding myself that I am safe. And there is the thing, I AM SAFE. A long time ago, I was not safe. But really I am right now. I get triggered into thinking that I’m not safe, but that is that old PTSD talking. (Just in case you’re wondering, I am still anxious, but now I have an action plan. And I see MT tomorrow.)