I am not thinking very clearly in the past several days.  Last Thursday and then again yesterday, in therapy, I disclosed information and things that happened, that I have never said out loud before.  MT has been awesome…non-judgmental, caring, supportive….all the things a good therapist should be.  She thinks I should feel a hundred pounds lighter after putting these things out in the open.  I don’t feel any lighter.  I feel anxious…like rocking in chairs that are not rocking chairs, shaking, gasping for breath anxious.  I feel anxious as in I’m so anxious that even going to sleep does not help.  I woke up twice last night to take Xanax.  I don’t think I’ve ever taken two in 24 hours before.  I feel kind of crazy that I am so anxious.  MT knowing this stuff is not changing anything and nobody knows that MT knows, so what is up with me?

I’ve been using all of my good distraction tools, but I just keep finding myself rocking in my seat and unable to truly pay attention to the distractions that always work for me.  I know I needed to say these things out loud, but honestly, I kind of wish I had not.  Maybe those things should have just stayed buried secrets for the rest of my life.

I watched a Webinar on dealing with anxiety tonight.  It was by this awesome lady, Jodi.  You can find her at  She is awesome.  What I came away with from the Webinar is that I really need to practice the fine art of distraction and keep reminding myself that I am safe.  And there is the thing, I AM SAFE.  A long time ago, I was not safe.  But really I am right now.  I get triggered into thinking that I’m not safe, but that is that old PTSD talking.  (Just in case you’re wondering, I am still anxious, but now I have an action plan.  And I see MT tomorrow.)


2 thoughts on “Stuff

  1. Your writing is so very powerful and reminds me of my own anxiety that ate me up, especially when I first told anyone, more like hinted a, what my childhood involved. It should not feel scary and dangerous to care for oneself, but this crime, one of the worst, is usually put back onto a child because a family and others don’t want their good names besmirched and/or is such a terrible, horrible crime they don’t want to admit it or think about it.
    What about the child who endures it? Like any other crime, the child desperately needs to air the truth, be cuddled, loved and tended to medically, emotionally and spiritually but in most cases is not. She goes underground with terror and stays there festering. You spoke up, and out. I had been trained to do the opposite, so doing so goes against all. It’s a powerful testament to your courage and will to do what you can to help yourself and that child inside screaming for life. That’s fantastic, and a first step towards the light and hope.
    Anxiety. Meditation has helped me more than anything. A chapter on my site explains how I tripped onto meditation. If I were to share one component of the many I have used over the years, that one part of my daily life would be it. Miraculous. Though the chapter is not yet on the site, I did share it early under present day writing titled BUDDHA because there seemed a great need for it. I’ve heard some say they can’t sit still, but I did. My anxiety was as high as any, to the point of a panic attack at one point. It brought me back into my body, not a place I wanted to be, yet the running was much worse. It’s good to feel whole, and calm. That’s the miracle. Life others have taken for granted, but I have finally found.
    It is not fair that you suffer so only because you shared what crimes others did against you. I am sorry for your great fear. They should be ones fearing you. You did nothing wrong, and right now, everything right for you and your life. WOW! I applaud you! You are standing up for YOU. It’s OK.

    Liked by 1 person

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