Just a fast note to say that I’m having a really tough time. I’ve been having flashbacks and nightmares, more than usual. I think I’m having auditory flashbacks. Has anybody else ever had auditory flashbacks? First I thought that I was hearing voices, but then I realized I’m hearing my voice as a child and the abusers’ voices. Ugh. I think I like the pictures in my head better (even though I really don’t like them at all).
Also, I went to see my therapist yesterday, and I am not sure what happened. MT (my therapist) has been away for a week, so I have not seen her in in 12 days. Usually, I only have two or five days between sessions. I was late due to all sorts of nutty things happening at home as I left, but even though I was late, the last client was just walking out the door when I got there. I was all happy to be seeing MT because I just really needed a place to cry and a person to cry with. I walked in her office door, all happy, turned around to close the door securely, and turned around and something triggered me, and those voices went off again. When I was talking to MT, I totally felt like I was not myself, and apparently I did not act like myself, because MT thinks I was punishing her for having been away by being late and not greeting her in my normal manner. I wasn’t, not by any means. But, I can’t totally explain what happened. Just that I felt very far away and scared and confused. Ugh. The entire session did not go well, and by the end, all I could do was cry. Every time I tried to explain myself, it just came out wrong. I am not looking forward to tomorrow’s session.