When MT Is Not Here or There

So MT, my therapist, is away this week, and I am more than slightly upset by that.  I miss her and I want her to be there.  We actually ended our last session in a really bad place for me.  I would not/could not listen to something she was saying and now I need to wait for a couple of weeks to get some clarification on what she said that caused me to just interrupt her and tell her she was wrong and refuse to listen.  Sometimes, I get myself into the craziest places.  I think I thought she might not leave if we had such a big kind of a misunderstanding.  Of course she left, but one of my assignments for the week was to depict what it is like for me when she is not there.

:chair_grandroll-det

Well, when she is not in either of those places,

My secret safe place

With a comfortable couch and a purple blanket and a purple pillow

And a pink pig with no ears

That place disappears.

Oh, the actual space must still be there in that building,

But it is not my secret safe place

Until MT is there.

My secret safe place does not exist if MT is not here.

Where do I go when that place disappears?

There is no live person waiting to hear

What is going on in my mind and watch me cry my tears.

There is nobody to smile at me

Even when I’m being the most unreasonable cranky

Me there can be.

There is no mirror being held up

So that I can see who I was and who I am now.

There is nothing.

No calm voice, no smiling eyes, nobody to notice the small steps I can now take.

Nobody reminding me to breath

So that her voice echoes later in my head

When I am scared or anxious or sad or mad.

When MT is not there,

I have no guide to shine a light

To help me find my way through the memories

and the dark nights.

There seems to be nobody there

To hear me and see me

Even when I feel totally lost at sea.

There is nobody to  walk with me

on this crazy path

to healing.

Nobody to see the three steps forward and five steps back,

The path that just goes in a circle,

Or the hill that goes up when I thought it was going down.

When MT is not there,

And she is not here.

There is nobody to see the child I once was

Sitting next to the me I now am.

There is nobody to help me see the filters I have

And the stories I have made up to help me

Explain the unexplainable.

There is nobody waiting to hear me speak the unspeakable.

There is nobody there with the steady gaze that won’t look away

Even when I cannot stay.

When MT is not there,

And MT is not here,

The adult me knows that she is coming back,

But the child me is never sure of that.

All I know is that my secret safe place is empty with nobody there

And MT is not in her chair.

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