Just as I do almost every Sunday evening, I went to meditation with Jodi this evening and for a few minutes it looked like I was going to be the only person there tonight. Jodi curled up on the couch next to me and asked me what I would like to work on this evening. I told her about my struggles with Christmas and all of its accoutrements..like Christmas trees and Christmas music. I told Jodi that I would really like to be able to find the magic and wonder of Christmas and be able to share that with my boys. We talked about how I do not get involved with decorating for Christmas and that the boys have to talk to my wife about all of that stuff.
So, the first thing we did was a meditation on sleep. We had to answer a question about whether or not we get enough sleep. Of course, my answer was no. I just don’t sleep. I’m pretty sure that I have never had a whole week of normal sleep in my life. I have nightmares. I have anxiety. I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of being out of control. If I’m sleeping, how do I know what is happening around me? So, we did a short meditation on what we need to do to get enough sleep. I was so surprised when my answer came to me. I need to visualize wrapping my arms around my little girl parts and soothing them into sleep. I need to do this every night when I go to bed. Without fail. So they won’t be scared. Then I won’t be scared. I have high hopes.
Next, we did a meditation on our expectations of Christmas and where we might be expecting too much of ourselves. Not sure I really managed to answer that question in my meditation, but something amazing came out of my meditation. I really want to be able to share in and convey a child’s sense of wonder around Christmas, the birth of Jesus, and Santa Claus with my children. Well, as my light body left my physical body during my meditation, it was joined by two angels, a child angel who looked like me as a little girl and an older angel. We went to the original birth of Jesus. To the barn, smelling of animals, in a cold winter’s night, with stars shining bright and singing. Holy men and shepherds arrived. Many angels floated around. Animals knelt reverently. All was well. All was right with the world. Trees were lit up with the Light of God. And I was full of wonder. Then the angels and I traveled to many of the Christmas trees of my past and they were all magical and wonderful. Then we came to the Christmas tree in our house, decorated with white lights, and snowmen and angels and penguins, and it was magical and full of wonder. And I came to know the simplest and yet very profound truth, that whatever trauma happened to me near or under or in sight of a Christmas tree, that the Christmas tree was innocent. The Christmas tree had nothing to do with that trauma. The Christmas tree could still be magical and wonderful, even though the trauma was unspeakable. The Christmas tree and the trauma are two separate things. And in my home, now, and forever, there will be no more trauma around the Christmas tree. I came home, curled up with a cup of peppermint tea by the Christmas tree and basked in the wonder of Christmas lights and the birth of Jesus and Santa Claus. And I know that I am okay with Christmas, and that part of me is healed.