I went to Meditation tonight and…..

well, maybe some of my anxiety has been lifted. Jodi, a therapist and shaman, amongst many other titles, greeted me with a hug and a back rub and a head rub. She knew I was anxious. She at least knew that from a comment I had made on her Facebook Page. First she had us do several minutes of Ujjayi breathing. Then she played some Sanskrit music and had us get ready to let go of something. We did breathing into a spot and visualizing a feeling within us. Of course, I visualized this anxiety in my chest and stabbing into my back. It was leaving me nearly no room for breathing and was green and dark and big and dense. My anxiety is all about needing a mother and being afraid of being inappropriate in trying to find that mother. I’ve tried to force people to be my mother before, and really that just usually leads to abandonment which is not helpful to that needy little child inside of me. Breathing into it made it bigger and bigger…until it turned into a spiky ball of shame. I am often ashamed of this neediness in me and then I am also ashamed at my anger at the people who tell me I can fulfill this need myself. Sometimes, I need a sturdy body to lean my head against. And then the shame turned to emptiness….a toxic, devastating, NEEDY, emptiness. And then we were done. We did a vibration check in…mine was anxious. Of course, my anxiety turning into emptiness was even more anxiety provoking. Am I just meant to have this need for the rest of my life? I don’t know how to heal while I still have this big, gaping emptiness in me? If it keeps being there, I am sure I will fill it with food. I was so frustrated. Then we went back into meditation, and Jodi drummed. Jodi drumming me on a shamanic journey is one of my favorite things in the world. Her drumming and her voice take me to other worlds where there is healing. She told us to let our light bodies go to a Sacred Place. My light body went to the inner chambers of Newgrange and there I found a wise woman spirit guide, looking to fill my emptiness with love and wisdom and knowledge and healing and hope. There was now hope. I realized that this wise woman spirit guide sends many people to fill that empty space in me that desires to be filled by a mother. She sends Jodi, who can hug me and ground me and guide me. She sends my priest who keeps me in her prayers. She sends older wiser women all of the time who guide me for a day or two. She sent me MT, who can indeed fill some of that emptiness with her caring and her acceptance and her steadiness. No, MT is not meant to be my parent, but she can provide some of the parts that are missing.

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