My therapist has me freaked out….

That is me feeling totally freaked out.  Lately, in therapy, all I’ve been doing is crying and letting my body feel the feelings that I never could feel before…because it wasn’t safe, and because I needed somebody to sit through those feelings with me.  So in therapy on Friday, MT sat there with me through more feelings and body sensations.  My private areas hurt…like somebody was doing something bad to them.  I felt scared, sad, anxious.  I cried and cried and moaned from the pain.  I started judging myself, and MT asked me why I would judge myself when she wasn’t.  She asked if those feelings weren’t feelings that needed to come out.  Yes, they were.  But I was starting to feel stupid and afraid that she would get tired of me and afraid she was going to tell me that she would not walk this journey with me anymore.  But, MT said that she was not judging me, that she was privileged that I trusted her enough to feel all of this stuff with her.    Once, I finally calmed down, she asked if I was feeling a little more relaxed, which I was.  She then said that even though she is not my parent, that was a bit of reparenting that she did for me.  Well, that was a really nice thought at that moment, but when I was home, I started thinking about it and I am totally freaked out by the whole phrase.  I know that my soul longs for a mother.  When JoAnn acted parental to me, I glommed on to her, and then she got tired of me being attached, and she yelled at me and left me alone in crisis, and didn’t return phone calls, and withheld physical afffection, and told me she was was tired of me being attached to her like a toddler, and told me she was immobilized and didn’t know how to deal with me and told me that I couldn’t heal, and then told me she was done with me.  I cannot have MT decide that she is done with me.  I need her to guide this healing.  The idea of her doing any reparenting of me, leaves me feeling totally abandonedimage already.  I am so anxious and freaked out.  What if I glom on to her?  I’ve been really carefully trying not to do that.  I need to heal.  It’s so obvious that I am never going to have the parent(s) that I should have had.  Does reparenting really need to be a part of my therapy now?  I don’t know.  I AM FREAKED OUT.  I am even scared to go to therapy on Tuesday.  I am considering cancelling.  I wrote MT an email and she said this is worth processing.  I don’t even know if I want to go there.  AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

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One thought on “My therapist has me freaked out….

  1. Hi Patty, I know how it feels. I have felt and wanted to stop going to therapy a couple times. At my appointment this Friday, my brain froze and I couldn’t speak off the top of my mind. I just kept stammering for most of the session. It was uncomfortable. It sounds like you are releasing stuff so that has to be good. Hope you and your kids and are partner are well.

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