Grieving the family I never had….and never will.

This is one of the places I am right now. Grieving what I never had. Aaaaarrrrgggghhh!

Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

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Unless you are someone who didn’t have any family that were ‘good enough’ as family members and were very abusive…..then you don’t know the pain of grieving the family you never had…and never will.

I have a huge gaping, hole in my soul,

where family were meant to be.

I know this will never be filled…..as I will never have this family (parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) and I have accepted this very painful understanding.

I don’t feel grieving all the time, but when I do….it swells up as huge waves of dark painful grieving, washing over me with force, knocking me to my knees. Tears and crushing pain in my chest.

boat

I wonder if I will ever not have these grieving waves.

I know the fear I feel as this occurs, is my inner child….and I try to soothe and comfort myself and her. But, I know her tears have to flow, as with my adult self.

tears

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