Every other session, MT asks me if I think I’m making progress in therapy with her. I certainly think I am. I almost never completely dissociate during a session anymore. I have told MT that I want to go away, and stared at the corner in her office that I usually find myself in when I have dissociated, but then I can’t make myself leave. I have spoken about things that I have not spoken about before. I know that at least once, I had no defenses up and I sobbed like the child I was when the abuse happened. I have actually spoken, out loud, to the child I was and told her that I am her as an adult and I will make sure that nobody hurts her again. I did this in front of MT and I felt like a fool, but somehow it made a huge difference.
But, in EVERY. SINGLE. SESSION. my continued contact with the abusers comes up. MT thinks it’s because of my religious and spiritual beliefs that I keep in contact with them. I don’t know if that is it. They moved here to be closer to me…the only time they ever really admitted that they might need me. Maybe that is it. Maybe them needing me in the way I needed them has made me think that I just really need to keep up that contact. MT reminds me that I am protecting my actual adopted children from their egg and sperm donors, so why can’t I do the same for the child I was? I get they really weren’t there when I needed them…but am I supposed to turn around and do the same thing? I just really don’t know. I do know that I am having trouble being in contact with them as much as usual.