I have had a hard time for the last 10 or so days. I’ve had lots of flashbacks and nightmares. I’ve had a had time sleeping. My heart and mind have been discombobulated.
Awhile ago, I was able to start doing the physical work of releasing the rage left in my body from the years of abuse and neglect I suffered as a child and young adult. I was only able to do this because of the extraordinary trust I had in MT, my therapist. I knew she wasn’t going to make fun of my body and the way it moved and reacted. She wasn’t going to say how gross or disgusting I am. That sounds like a great therapeutic relationship, right? Well, all of a sudden, the amount of trust I had in MT started to scare me. I had so much trust in my last therapist, and it all went wrong. I ended up so hurt. I thought I was going to die when that therapeutic relationship ended. I still trust MT, but we had to discuss this. MT has told me at least 20 times in the last couple of weeks that she is here to stay, that she is not going anywhere, that she will not get tired of me, and that she is here to guide me on this journey, no matter how long it takes. I think I believe her. I’m pretty sure she is telling the truth. I know I need to trust her or else I won’t get to where I want to be. I have the power to heal, but I need help to stay on the path and not go wandering off.
So, part of this journey is speaking the unspeakable….the things that happened to me that I believe will make people turn away from me if they hear it. So, MT and I have been sitting in her office, with me wrapped up in a blanket because of how cold and shocked feeling I become when I think about the stuff that happened to me and especially when I put words to those experiences and watch MT hearing them for the first time. Lots of time my body hurts so n the places it was injured when I was a child. Sometimes, I feel like I’m right back there. I go away. I have flashbacks while I’m with MT. MT let’s me be where I am. She reminds me I am safe. She reminds me to breathe. My last therapist would have told me I needed to ground myself; that it was retraumatizing to feel these feelings; that she could not let me go there. I never started healing under those circumstances…. I just got worse. With MT, I am starting to heal. The feelings are being released from my mind and my body and my heart. My childhood which is usually quite foggy to me is becoming clearer. MT says my memories are like one of those tiny compact towels that expands when you put it in water. As I release some of the trauma taking up room in me, there’s more room for other memories and experiences and feelings to come to light. So MT and I will continue on this path. There will be hard, rocky parts of this journey. I might fall down some cliffs. I may have to climb some mountains, but I will get to where I’m going.