I feel like I am climbing some kind of mountain that I can’t understand. Sometimes I feel like I go round and round and only move to a slightly higher elevation. Sometimes I find that I’ve taken only a few steps and I’m on top of the mountain. Sometimes I climb up and up and up and still can’t even see the top of the mountain that is hidden in the clouds. And other times I find that I thought I was at the top and I am really back down at the bottom. Boulders and fissures and storms get in my way. Sometimes the sun shines so brightly and the golden light makes me think I must be in heaven.
This is my journey in healing from childhood abuse. And this is especially my journey in the last several days. Some days I am sure I am getting somewhere and some days I slide right back to where I was in the beginning. So in the past 8 days, I’ve had the PTSD black cloud. I’ve also worked really hard on putting all of my memories in a little rowboat and letting it drift out to sea with miles and miles of rope attached to it. When I go to see MT or I’m ready to deal with the abuse, I pull the rowboat back in. I’ve spent nights, pulling that rowboat back in, putting the memories back in it, and letting it back out to sea…sometimes every 10 minutes….because sometimes those blasted memories come floating back on their own. I’ve raged and beat up a Wave Master with MT and stayed present the whole time. I’ve sat in MT’s office and not been able to say a word. I felt the breeze on my legs for the first time. I’m learning to own my body and stay in my body….I don’t think I ever felt a breeze on my legs until this morning. I’ve bought my own Wave Master and cleaned out a spot in the basement for me to do the physical work on my own (kind of scared of that, but MT says she’ll be sitting on my shoulder, guiding me). I’ve journaled and journaled and journaled. I’ve colored mandalas. I’ve sat and looked at my journal and the blank pages and not been able to write a word. I’ve had flashbacks and nightmares. I’ve had nights where I slept through the entire night. I’ve not been able to name on this blog what was going on. I’ve managed not to sit on my hands in MT’s office for the most part, but there was one day, where I was so scared and lost in the past and grossed out by my past, and I actually put words to feelings and an incident that I never spoke of before, that MT said not a word about the fact that I sat on my hands for the whole hour. I’ve felt the abuse in my body where I’ve never felt it before. And there was actually an entire, happy, peaceful day during which none of this stuff entered my mind.