PTSD Black Cloud

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I think I have had the black cloud of PTSD following  me around for the last 4-5 days.  I have been having trouble sleeping.  I have been having nightmares….lots and lots of crazy nightmares.  I have been having intrusive thoughts.  I have had a bunch of flashbacks…not the movie kind where all of a sudden you think you are there…but the kind where I all of a sudden taste something or smell something that is not there and then I get the picture and the sounds that go with it.  I’ve decided that I need to tell my story…so last week I started telling MT about some things that happened to me.  I thought I was alright when I left therapy that day, but when I got home, my arms and legs were so heavy.  MT talks with me all of the time about my body being mine and how I need to own what it needs to do.  So that day I danced and waved my arms to some Pink music….and I thought things felt better.  But then I couldn’t sleep that night and things just got worse from there.  So, I had really been looking forward to therapy this week.  A chance to tell more of my story.  A chance to hear MT reinterpret some of the things I say.  A chance to make more room in me for the good stuff.  A chance to kiss some of the negative thoughts and feelings good-bye.  And then I was hit with the PTSD cloud…and I was really looking forward to therapy to help me figure out what the triggers were.  I have been doing really well in therapy with MT addressing the issues that arise and I have progressed in a way in the last 10 weeks that I did not progress in the three years before that.  I swore healing was finally happening.  I was being responsible for my healing.  So I went to therapy today, and did not say a word about the PTSD cloud.  I talked about my kids and what we did over the weekend and who we saw for the holiday..and I didn’t mention the flashbacks, the nightmares, the not sleeping, the hypervigilance.  MT mentioned my hands and my feet trying to move and encouraged me to move them as much as possible.  When I did, I started crying.  MT reminded me to breathe and reminded me that I was making more room inside me for good stuff.  But I never mentioned a word about how the last several days have been and I left in a daze.  And now I am angry at myself, there could have been some help and some relief, but I wouldn’t let MT in.  I didn’t want to admit that I seem to be falling apart for no good reason.  I didn’t want to seem needy.  I didn’t want to admit to how broken I am sometimes.  I’ve been in a pretty good place since the first couple of weeks I saw MT.  Now I’m not.  I feel like I’m missing something.  I feel like I’m not trying hard enough.  I’m kind of in denial.  I don’t want to get swallowed by the PTSD cloud.  So, I am hoping I can let her into the PTSD cloud when I go to see her on Thursday.  I left her a message late this afternoon about how I never addressed what was really going on so that hopefully I can make myself talk about it on Thursday.  I really want to be in control of this healing process and I think that I don’t always get as much control as I’d like.  There are parts of my mind and body and brain that also have a say.  Yuck!  Just yuck!

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2 thoughts on “PTSD Black Cloud

  1. Hi Patty,

    I came to your Blog now and read all of your posts. You are so courageous and I admire you. In this post, what had my attention most is that you said: “I really want to be in control of this healing process”. I think that is an enormous step into your healing. I had today one of tthe worst sessions ever in therapy. I felt rejected and abandoned by my counselor just because she said from now on, I must be in control of my healing. I realized I wasn’t ready yet. Left alone, I don’t want to heal. I don’t want to make any effort, I’m just so scared to do it.
    Good luck and hope you feel much better now

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    • Nikki, Sometimes being in control of my healing looks like I’m not. If I know something will be hard in therapy, I’ve started writing MTan email to tell her what’s going on and I let her know I’m doing that because I want to hold myself accountable. If I can’t seem to get the words out of my mouth in therapy, MT might wait for me or she might offer assistance by asking a question about that email. Being in control of your healing does not mean you no longer need help. It’s really letting yourself ask for help when you need it. (At least that’s what I’m thinking today….)

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