Sometimes….

My reactions to things astound me.  I had a pretty good session.  I think I’ve started recognizing my warriorness again.  Last week, I’d been talking to my therapust about some stuff that happened to me as a teenager.  As I talked, it occurred to me that I now weigh less than when this stuff happened and I expressed to my therapist that this actually made me feel very vulnerable all of a sudden.  This was towards the end of last week’s session, so my therapust gave me an assignment to compare 15 year old me to the now 50 year old me.  I did this assignment and included some pictures.  I came up with at least 30 ways that I am different from 15 year old me.  I found out that  I’m lots stronger and more capable now than I was when I was 15.  And I recognized my warriorness again.   So, on Tuesday, my therapust and I talked about this and then talked about the flashbacks I’ve been having lately.  And then my therapist told me that she is going away for the whole week the week after next.  My head swirled and my eyes filled with tears.  I tried to tell myself that I could live for a week, but some part of me was screaming that she just came back from vacation a couple of weeks ago.  And then I realized that the week my therapust will be back from being away is my kids’ winter break and I’ve not been successful with finding a babysitter for any part of that week.  So, no therapy that week.  I protested, stating that it will be two weeks because of that and my therapust stated that she just won’t be here.  Which I get. My protests aren’t going to change anything.  I don’t get a say in this.  I am just starting to see some specks of light after a big depression and those specks are still disappearing at times.  I just saw my warriorness again.  I don’t want all of that to disappear.  My therapist and my wife reminded me that I didn’t fall apart for the two weeks my therapist was away just a few weeks ago.  I know I didn’t…I was actually grateful to have less times that I was expected to be awake and functioning.  But, now, I feel in a fragile place with this trafficking word.  And I’m afraid that I could get too deep in it and then be left alone with it for two weeks.  I left the session in tears.  I know I’ll be okay…as okay as I can be.  But, I’m not ready for another therapy break and I have no control in this.  I feel vulnerable.  Nothing I do will change my therapist’s plans.  I know that.  But, I have to look at this reaction.  I have to deal with where it comes from.  I’m so afraid of people leaving me.  I’m afraid they won’t come back.  My therapust will be back unless something beyond her control happens.  There’s my problem.  People may have the best intentions, but not every circumstance is controllable.  Some people have heinous intentions, and those circumstances were beyond my control when I was growing up.  I don’t like this out of control feeling.  

I need to set up some ways I’m going to cope with those two weeks of no therapy.  I have three sessions to look at this stuff and come up with a plan for myself.  

Even though…

I am tired, depressed, and in pain, I am a warrior.

Even though I am having a difficult time finding the words to talk about what’s going on inside me, I am still a warrior.

I am a warrior even though I am depressed and feel stuck.

I am a warrior even when I feel defeated by the memories and flashbacks.

I am a warrior every day of my life.

Even when I forget that I am a warrior, I’m still a warrior.

Even when I am wounded, I am a warrior.

Even when I lose the battle, I am still a warrior.

I will not stop being a warrior…even if my soul is weary, my heart broken, my body damaged, and my mind afflicted.

I am a warrior every day of my life.

I am a warrior every day I live.

I am a warrior.

I’m Definitely Depressed

I feel like I’m swimming through gelatinous mud all of the time.  Things feel so hard.  My brain feels all mucked up.  Like I just can’t concentrate on anything.  And, I’m finding myself choosing sleeping over eating.  Ugh.

I had therapy today and my therapist said that I seemed to have lost sight of my warriorness.  I had emailed her over the weekend and told her I was having lots of flashbacks of situations that woukd apply to that trafficking word.  When I arrived at therapy, she asked me if I was still having a hard time.  I said yes and she asked me if I should maybe talk about those flashbacks, and I said I probably should, but I didn’t want to.  Then my therapist said the I seemed to have lost sight of my warriorness.  She said that it seemed like all of a sudden I don’t trust myself.  I’ve been thinking about that.  I think I’ve been doing lots of judging of myself and my process, and that’s leading me to falter and not know if it’s okay to go to where this process is leading me.  I’m still in the grieving mode, but I have not let myself say that in a very long time.  There’s still kid stuff to talk about, but sometimes that seems to me that it might be ridiculous that I’m 50 years old and still talking about what hapoened to me 25 and 30 and 40 years ago.  When does it end?  When do those years stop playing a major role in my life?  My therapist says that I can talk about everything as much as I want and she will listen, but I start feeling stupid sometimes.  She says she’ll tell me if she ever thinks I’m wallowing, but so far, she sees no sign of that.  So, I think my judgement of myself is not helping.  My therapist always says, “it just is”, and I think I need to take that to heart.  I did tell my therapust today that it is really hard to be a warrior when I’m depressed.  We talked about what I’m doing about my depression.  She suggested I call the psychiatric nurse practitioner who prescribes my medication, so I did.  I told the NP about my surgery and my fibromyalgia flare and depression.  She said that depression is often triggered by fibro flares and increased my Cymbalta dosage.  Hopefully, that will help.  And my therapist gave me an assignment to create a collage about how I’ve been a warrior throughout my life.  I’ll give an update on how that goes when I’m done.

OMG

I forgot to mention in my last post.  I was talking about all of the abusers in my therapy session yesterday, and my therapist said that what my parents dis was human trafficking.  She and I have talked in the past about one of my parents being a drug addiction and both of them being alcoholic.  We also had more money than it seemed, based on our houses, cars, etc.  My therapist said that my parents had to have gotten something out of all of my abusers or else they would not have shared me the way they did.  When my therapist said human trafficking, my mouth hung open, but it also rang true.  It was like things finally made sense…some of my why’s have been answered.  

Reflections and Resolutions

I’ve been feeling distinctly unwarriorish lately.  When I reflected on this feeling, and reread journal entries and blog posts, I found that this feeling probably started around the time I had my labiaplasty….and the same time I started a fibromyalgia flare.

I’ve become very interested in chakras and energy healing.  So I looked up what chakra could be affected by my labiaplasty.  The genitals are included in the Sacral chakra.  So, when there is a problem in the sacral chakra, it impacts your ability to stay on an even keel emotionally.  A blocked sacral chakra can lead to depression, insecurity, fear, panic attacks, poor boundaries, and being overly sensitive.  I know I’ve been depressed lately, because I sleep every moment I get too.  As long as the kids are being supervised by someone else, and my wife had been off from work for nearly a month, I’ve been sleeping every possible moment, curled up in a corner of the couch, with my cats and my electric blanket.  I’ve not been reading, I’ve not been writing, I’ve not been listening to music.  I’ve not been talking with friends or my wife and I’ve not bern doing much with my kids.  The kids thing is not normal for me….I’m usually on with them, no matter what.  I am games, do art, cook, go out with the kids constantly….except for the last few weeks.

I also have issues with my throat chakra.  I have for a long time.  Every time my massage therapist, Ginny, touches my neck, it brings up huge emotions.  I cry and things hurt.  I think that my throat chakra issues make it difficult to say what is going on with me.  I think this might be why I have a hard time even understanding what is going on with me sometimes because I’m unable to always communicate even with myself.

I also did a Google search to find out what chakra might be having problems if I’m not feeling like a warrior.  That would be my solar plexus chakra.  The solar plexus chakra being blocked can cause one to watch life as it passes by, in a passive manner.  That’s what this sleeping all the time feels like….my life is just passing me by, and I’m not taking much of a role in it.

The website I found about chakras has lots of reflection questions and meditation suggestions for working with blocked and overactive chakras, so I will be working on those.

My therapist was on vacation for a couple of weeks…my first session in a couple of weeks with her was yesterday.  The break was kind of nice..I dreaded it, but it turned out that it was helpful for me to just be able to get through the days and not be looking at anything too intensely.  It also gave me time to reflect a lot on what was going on with my depression.  So yesterday, in my session, I started talking about how this depression seemed to start with my labiaplasty.  My therapist asked why that was, and I told her I think it’s because that part of my body was so abused and felt bad, and I’ve self-injured that part of myself in the past and it seems to me that perhaps my body or some child part of me is angry and sad that I let other people hurt that part of my body again.  Some parts of me also think that my private areas are bad and I wish I didn’t have them.  I think that not having those parts would have helped to prevent me from being so savagely hurt as a child.  My therapist asked me what I imagined having instead of those parts,,,maybe a boy’s parts?  Nope, I just don’t want to have any parts. My therapist questioned me again…so like you’d just be asexual.  Nope.  I’d still be a girl….just without parts.  Like a Barbie doll, she asked?  Yup.  Like a Barbie…feminine with no parts.  My therapist then asked me if I didn’t think that all of the abusers would have found other ways to hurt me.  I’m not sure about  that.  Did they all really want to hurt me or were they attracted to little girl parts?  I don’t know, my therapist doesn’t know for sure.  Surely, I guess, that some of the abusers would have liked to exert control over me no matter the manner.  But for some of them, the lack of those parts may have been a deal breaker.  It’s something to think about because when I get into the child’s mind, those parts are bad.  But as an adult with a loving wife, those parts are good and an important part of our relationship.  Ugh.  It’s so confusing.  Is there a way to totally integrate the child parts with the adult me?  I really wonder about that.  Or do I just have to learn to continuously over ride the child parts speaking in my mind?  Part of my problem with these parts right now may be that the adult me really likes how my fixed up parts look and feel.  The adult me is really happy with those parts and pays more attention to them these days than in the past, so maybe the child parts of me are having a really hard time with that.  (That is probably too much information and I’m really sorry if this is bothering ).  And then I go in circles again back to without those parts that other people liked to look at and feel, maybe the abuse would not have happened….Ugh.  My mind and my parts are playing real games with my heart and mind.

Last night, I had my 2nd nearly buck naked full body massage with Ginny.  She used more pressure than the last time and I have to say it was more grounding for me than the lighter touch from the last time.  I had no moments of teariness…it would be okay if I had, but somehow it feels good that there were none…and I can still feel the tension release today.  Also, this is kind of funny, because there was actually no sexual feelings at all involved, but I keep remembering how she touched my arms or my legs or put her thumbs on every vertebrae or the very tender look Ginny gave me when I opened my eyes as she moved from my head to my arms.  I felt very nurtured last night, and those feelings come back as I remember those things.  Sure, my wife touches me all of the time, butBefothere is always the chance that those nurturing touches from her may lead to different kinds of touches, which is fine and wonderful, but with Ginny…I knew that wouldn’t be and the thoughts and memories put me in a very different head space.

I tried floating in a float tank last week…it’s supposed to be good for fibromyalgia and stress.  I’m not sure about that.  I think I fell asleep and I was so confused when I woke up that any stress relief was way out the window.  I may have to try it again before I give it a final verdict.

Before my therapist went on vacation, we were still working with the cat memory and specifically the cat dying because I said nope, I wasn’t going to do what the abusers wanted me to do.  That the cat was murdered because of me (and I get, maybe, possibly that it was not my fault…it was their fault, maybe…it was their fault, but somehow it was my fault too), my therapist said it was time for me to figure out how I was going to deal with the cat’s death.  My therapist actually said that figuring this out is my work right now.  I like that my work is that piece.  I like that I do not have to figure out anything else right now, although other things keep coming up.  My therapist suggested volunteering at a shelter for cats and I think that I am going to try that.

I usually don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but I made one this year.  My resolution is to start recognizing my inner Warrior Queen in the way I live my life now and in the way I lived through my childhood and young adulthood. I’m pretty sure I’ll be writing more about that as the year goes on.

I’ve been writing this post for a couple of weeks so that is why it seems to be all over the place.  It really is all over the place.  But, now it’s done.

 

 

 

 

 

42 Questions You’ve Probably Never Been Asked Before

42 Questions You’ve Probably Never Been Asked:

1. First thing you wash in the shower?  My hair

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?  Pink

3. Do you plan outfits?  Yes, even though they’re not fancy

4. How are you feeling right now?  Tired, like I’m getting sick

5. What’s the closest thing to you that’s red?  A red light on the cable box

6. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?  Something about my therapist clothes shopping with me

7. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope

8. What are you craving right now?  Hot tea

9. What comes to mind when you think of cabbage?  Sauerbraten and pickled red cabbage

10. Have you ever counted to 1,000 before?  Nope

11. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Bite

12. Do you like your hair?  Yes

13. Do you like yourself?  More often than I did last year

14. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?  No

15. What are you listening to right now?  MSNBC

16. Are your parents strict?  More abusive than strict

17. Would you go sky diving?  Yes, now that I’m less than half my size 13 months ago

18. Do you like cottage cheese? yes

19. Have you ever met a celebrity?  No

20. Do you rent movies often?  No

21. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?  The crystals on a lamp

22. Have you made a prank phone call?  Yes, the is your refrigerator running one.

23. Ever been on a train? yes

24. Brown or white eggs? White

25. Do you use chap stick? Sometimes

26. Can you use chop sticks?  no

27. Are you too forgiving?  No, I hold grudges

28. Ever been in love?  Yes, with my wife

29. Last time you cried?  Tuesday during therapy

30. What was the last question you asked?  Where is your new hat?

31. Favorite time of the year?  FALL

32. Do you have any tattoos?  Bope

33. Are you sarcastic?  Yes

34. Ever walked into a wall?  Yes

35. Favorite color? Pink

36. Have you ever slapped someone?  Yes

37. Is your hair curly?  Straight

38. Do looks matter?  Mine do, but not those of other people

39. Do you like your life right now?  Yes

40. Do you sleep with the TV on?  Never

41. Can you handle the truth?  Occasionally

42. Do you have good vision?  No, blinder than a bat without my glasses