Today, the skies were bright blue and cloudless and the temperature was a balmy 50°. I get that doesn’tsound very warm, but it’s been snowing here over the last few days. Today felt like Spring might come.
I’ve been quarantined &at home with my 3 kids, my 2 cats, and the puppy. My wife is an essential worker and has been working her regular schedule, albeit in a different setting. At first I was really anxious and nervous about being with the kids constantly, but it turns out, I like it. We have been mostly ignoring actual school work. Instead of school work, we hike, bake, read, tell jokes, raise a puppy, work outside. The kids are also learning to deal with each others foibles. And they have lots. But, they are learning tolerance, trust, interdependence.
I have to say that what does cause me great anxiety these days is the reopening of things. I’m not ready and I really think that we, as country, a state, or even a region are not ready. I wish we could let things settle a little more. But, then again, I’m not one of the people financially devastated. We are poor as ever, but still as good as we have ever been. My stomach clenches at the thought of my kids going to school again. They have actually improved their behavior at home. They have been healthy. I will really miss them when they are gone all day. Also, they give me an excuse to wallow in my tendency toward agoraphobia. I don’t have to go out on the days when I feel like I cannot cope because the kids are my excuse. There have been, in the past, times where I didn’t leave the house for a month or more at a time because I trusted nobody but my immediate family. The current situation also gives me an excuse on the days that I have a difficult time with hypervigilance. I have to be on the watch for people too close to my kids and me. (I could really go off here on people who refuse to wear masks or practice social distancing. But, I shall attempt kindness). A woman from down the street showed up in my driveway yesterday, while the kids were chalkingup the driveway. She came with her 2 dogs. She stood and talked for 20 minutes, then casually mentioned that she had possibly been exposed to the virus, and was awaiting the test results. Ugh. I told her to leave immediately in a quiet, but angry and firm voice. I could not believe it. My kids have been nowhere but my property, house, and car or wide open, unpopulated hiking trails for months, and then she possibly brings the virus to me house?!?! I do not understand what people are thinking.
I’ve been doing teletherapy, which is okay, but not optimal. I do like that my therapist has been able to see my house and my pets. There’s just no way to describe things sometimes. I do miss seeing my therapist in person though andI look forward to the day I can. At first with all of the online school and meetings and doctor’s appointments, I thought I might lose my sanity as nothing felt grounded and real. That’s gotten better. Funny thing…today, I forgot that I had a telephone appointment with my psychiatric nurse practioner, and she called me as I was walking out of the grocery store. My kids and dog were in the car. The kids were reading books. So I put the groceries in the car, and went to a fence near the car, sat there, and had my appointment while the kids continued to do their things.
Having the puppy is very grounding. I don’t have much time to go elsewhere in my head or the past. And even getting up in the middle of the night to take her out is okay. I laugh because when she is in her crate at night, she groans when she has to go out. No whimpering, no barking, just groaning like an old man.
I try not to watch the news, because people’sreaction to this pandemic scares me. Believing it’s a hoax or a conspiracy gives people an excuse to not treat their fellow humans with respect or kindness. That’s a mindset I don’t understand.
Okay. I think I am done. I hope you all are doing as well as possible.