Tuesday, 8/23/2016

I did not come across as a warrior queen today, although, I know for sure I’m still in the process of becoming a warrior queen.  I was up lots on Monday night with flashbacks, nightmares, and a whopper of a panic attack.  I had therapy Tuesday morning and we were supposed to start EMDR, but I knew it was not going to happen.  I knew I was not stable enough.  I walked into MT’S (my therapist’s) office, and couldn’t speak a word.  MT looked at me and said, well, I’ll wait until you can talk.  When I finally spoke, I told MT that I did not know what to do.  She said that she had thought that we were going to start EMDR, but I seemed to fragile.  Seeming fragile did not even seem like an insult as I was feeling very close to breaking.  The flashbacks the night before were all about jelly donut incidents and other things that the person known as my mother did to me.  I’m realizing that some of the flashbacks were spurred on by stuff from my surgery a few weeks ago.  And I don’t want to talk about any of it.  I feel such shame and humiliation, and , yes, I get that I did not do this stuff, it was not my fault.  Also, I’m tired of living in abuse world.  I want to live in the present world.  But, the child within me really wants me to talk.  I relayed all of this to MT, and she asked who I was at that moment.   I said I was the adult, but I was aware that some of my actions and words were coming across as a child.  MT said that I may be feeling like the adult me on the inside, but outwardly, I was coming across as a child.  I was sitting on my hands, I was slouched and really not making eye contact with MT.  My voice was quiet and higher than usual.  I was having a hard time catching my breath.  I was wiping my rears with my hands, and adult me uses Kleenex.  We spent time with the definitions and differences with shame, embarrassment, guilt, and humiliation. MT and I talked about parts of me being in conflict and whether I was doing myself true good by refusing to talk about these flashbacks, as they keep getting worse.  We talked about the fact that the child part of me wants attention for this stuff, as in getting attention for it might lead to help and protection.  We talked about what healing and moving on means.  I left MT’s office not doing well.

I came home and got out this book and the work book to find out what they have to say about resolution and healing and moving on .

I’m still reading and thinking and reading all of your answers on my post pattyspathtohealing.wordpress.com/2016/08/24/question/.  I can’t wait to figure out how resolution, healing, and this child part come together.  I’m just going to reiterate, I do not want to go back to the sniveling, gagging mess I think I will be if I start talking.

Victory

I’m working hard on moving on from my abuse story to that of being a warrior queen.  It’s a conscious effort every day, even every hour and minute.  My brain is damaged by the abuse I endured and reminds me of it pretty regularly with flashbacks and nightmares.  

On Monday evening, I went to meditation and prayer at my church.  There was a large group of people, 50 or more there.  The focus of the meditation was being a child of God.  My priest started the medication, saying imagine yourself as a child at a time you were happy.  Tears immediately pricked my eyes.  My first thought was, I wonder if there was a time I was truly happy as a child.  My inner warrior kicked in, and I was able to overcome that thought with this thought.  That was then and this is about being an adult and a child of God.  I was then able to imagine myself with my hair in ponytails with real daisies tucked in the elastics, wearing a smock top and flowered jeans that I loved as a child, with my first pair of glasses on.  And I infused this memory with the happiness of mothering my own children.  And I was able to move on with the meditation, in which God appeared to me as an old woman and drew me a beautiful picture.  The picture ended up being scenes from my life on Monday.  Playing with my kids, sitting in the group meditation, hanging out with my adult niece, being with my wife, being hugged by my priest.  After the guided meditation, we were invited to an altar decorated with a huge pile of crayons.  We were to pick a color that spoke to us.  I chose magenta.  Here is what the Internet tells me about the color magenta:

   The Color of Universal Harmony & Emotional Balance


The color magenta is one of universal harmony and emotional balance. It is spiritual yet practical, encouraging common sense and a balanced outlook on life.

This is a color that helps to create harmony and balance in every aspect of life; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

A combination of red and violet, magenta contains the passion, power and energy of red, restrained by the introspection and quiet energy of violet.

Magenta influences our whole personal and spiritual development. It strengthens our intuition and psychic ability while assisting us to rise above the everyday dramas of our daily life to experience a greater level of awareness and knowledge.  

This was my victory and I stood as a warrior queen for the closing prayer.

Rebranding My Blog

MT (my therapist) has called me a warrior since I started seeing her, and she says that she would not call most of her clients a warrior.  Then one day, when I was feeling exceptionally pretty, MT must have caught that vibe, because she called me a warrior princess.  Then a few months later, she called me a warrior queen.  I like that.  A woman who is a warrior queen seems like she would be brave, confident, wild, beautiful, connected to herself, and also be the woman I needed in my life when I wasaw a girl.  I guess that’s what I’m in the process of becoming…a Warrior Queen, the woman I needed when I was a girl.

Surgery and stuff

I had my gallbladder removed on Wednesday and my plan was to be back on my feet on Thursday or Friday.  I didn’t plan for my gallbladder to be very inflamed and end up needing a drain which is still implanted in my right side.  I didn’t plan for this surgery to hurt more than my gastric bypass in November.  I didn’t plan for my abdomen to be so bloated that my size 3x pants felt tight …I really wear an xl.  I didn’t realize that this particular side effect of this surgery would be so emotional for me.  Two days after surgery, I weighed myself and I had gained 6 lbs.  I have not gained any kind of weight in a year.  I’ve lost lots of weight and at the very worst, maintained a weight for longer than I might have liked.  I can’t exercise for 4 weeks and that scares me.  Those things plus pain turned me into a sobbing mess a couple of nights ago.  I couldn’t stop crying and crying made my belly hurt more.  It was horrible.  Horrible enough that I finally took the narcotic painkillers that I avoid like the plague.  Both my parents are addicts.  I’m recovering from an addiction to food. I don’t want to be a drug addiction.  Well, thankfully, they stopped the pain but I don’t think I’ll get addicted because they made me extremely itchy.  I just can’t win sometimes.